my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
