A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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