I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
