Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize