yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
