Moan for me like Helen Keller
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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