dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
