You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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