you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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