can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
