I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
