I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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