I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She even gives head with a lisp.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
