i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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