Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize