Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
