Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
