I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
