I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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