if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
