So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
