You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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