saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
