I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
