Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
