We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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