we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Holy sore nipples Batman
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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