oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize