I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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