Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
