I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize