You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
