omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
