I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
