Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
