Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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