My sheets look like a crime scene.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
