at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
