he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
