I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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