Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
