he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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