I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
