its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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