i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
