Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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