Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
