Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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