I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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