i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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