I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
