how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
