I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
