so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
