Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize