Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
