I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
