If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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