I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
