Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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